Ydemoc – The Westminster Confession of Faith
Regular leaver of comments, Ydemoc, has posted a work of utter genius in the comments of the ‘Bob Sorensen Wrong Again’ thread. It’s so good that I’m reposting it here.
The Westminster Confession of Faith as Hope in the Imaginary and Belief Without Understanding (1)
I. According to our Imaginations, informed by tales in a Storybook, a Being from all eternity, did, by the most wise and holy counsel of His own will, freely, and unchangeably ordain whatsoever comes to pass, even though such a Being would be unequipped the means of doing such a thing, and is a contradiction; and such an assertion reverses the true nature of how men acquire knowledge; and by virtue of positing a this Being, a consciousness having primacy over existence, this statement itself cannot qualify as knowledge; yet we, as believers fail to see this and/or we ignore it, so we go on with our beliefs that are built from this false premise in order that we may make our belief more palatable to ourselves and to those who have serious doubts that we are just pulling their legs; yet so, as thereby neither is this Invisible Magic Being the author of sin, even though we imagine that he created and controls whatsoever comes to pass which would have to include laying the groundwork for original sin and making sure sin occurs according to his plan; and even though, in this Invisible Magic Beings Storybook it says that he “creates evil,” but this has been softened through translation because it presents a problem to those believers who want to maintain otherwise; nor is violence offered to the will of the creatures; nor is the liberty or contingency of second causes taken away, but rather established, even though this makes no sense because if this Invisible Magic Being is in control of everything it makes no sense to say that he is not in control of the choices man makes or does not make; to say man is free yet predestined makes no sense; but this doesn’t bother believers because making sense and/or using stolen concepts such as “liberty” in such contexts is of no concern when it comes to believing in an Invisible Magic Being. After all, we believe in “Conversational Donkeys,” and if you believe in that then believing someone rose from the dead, and other contradictions, is a cinch.
II. Although this Invisible Magic Being knows whatsoever may or can come to pass upon all supposed conditions, and even though this statement is a contradiction and does not qualify as knowledge; yet has He not decreed anything because He foresaw it as future, or as that which would come to pass upon such conditions. In other words, once we accept there is an Invisible Magic Being in existence that violates the Primacy of Existence, our imaginations are the only limit to what attributes we can assign to this Invisible Magic Being.
III. By the decree of Invisible Magic Being, for the manifestation of His glory which we imagine men need to give to him, even though he has all the glory he needs, we imagine that some men, and angels (heavenly creatures for which there is no basis in reality for and is therefore an invalid concept, except as it might pertain products of imagination, such as fictional stories) are predestinated unto everlasting life; and others, we imagine, are foreordained to everlasting death, even though there is no really good explanation for why Invisible Magic Being had to go to all the trouble of such things as life, time, belief, faith, creation, the universe — just so that he could, in the end, toss souls in one place or another, when Invisible Magic Being knew all along that’s where they were headed anyway. Therefore, this Invisible Magic Being could also be considered a “Drama Queen.”
IV. These angels and men, thus predestinated, and foreordained, are particularly and unchangeably designed, and their number so certain and definite, that it cannot be either increased or diminished, at least that’s how we interpret our Storybook.
V. Those of mankind that are predestinated unto life, Invisible Magic Being, before the foundation of the world was laid, according to His eternal and immutable purpose, and the secret counsel and good pleasure of His will, has chosen we imagine, in Christ who no one knows much about and there are no contemporaneous historical accounts of anything miraculous done by him, unto everlasting glory, out of His mere free grace and love, without any foresight of faith, or good works, or perseverance in either of them, or any other thing in the creature, as conditions, or causes moving Him thereunto; and all to the praise of His glorious grace, even though the concept “choice” implies alternatives, and an Invisible Magic Being that knows everything, with nothing to gain or lose, would not have to “choose” anything; it would simply just act, willy-nilly, or according to its pleasure; but even this ignores that “pleasure” is a concept that makes no sense if applied to a Being that has been described as not having a central nervous system; and so it is with “purpose,” this concept too would not make sense as applied to an Invisible Magic Being so described, which lacks nothing; for it would have no interest in acting toward a goal and no basis for doing so. Yet, despite these difficulties, our “Hope in the Imaginary” and “Belief Without Understanding” prevails.
VI. As Invisible Magic Being, a Contradictory Notion, has, as we have imagined, appointed the elect unto glory, so has He, by the eternal and most free purpose of His will, foreordained all the means thereunto. Wherefore, they who are elected, being fallen in Adam, even though mankind along with chimpanzees are descended from a common ancestor and the earth is over 4 billion years old, and the universe older than that, and the theory of evolution has undermined the notion of original sin; and even though the notion of original sin is the ultimate form of racism since it holds the entire human race guilty of something only two people did, even though they really didn’t do it, because science has proven they didn’t; are redeemed by Christ, or so we imagine, even though we can’t really explain how this might work; are effectually called unto Hope in the Imaginary and Belief Without Understanding working in due season, are justified, adopted, sanctified, and kept by His power, through Hope in the Imaginary and Belief Without Understanding, unto what we imagine to be everlasting life after death, even though we have no evidence for such a thing. Neither are any other redeemed by Christ, effectually called, justified, adopted, sanctified, and saved, but the elect only. So there!
VII. The rest of mankind Invisible Magic Being was pleased, even though this makes no sense; according to the unsearchable counsel of His own will, whereby He extends or withholds mercy, as He pleases, even though this makes no sense; for the glory of His sovereign power over His creatures, to pass by; and to ordain them to dishonor and wrath for their sin, to the praise of His glorious justice. Even thought all this makes no sense and is quite convoluted, basically, this gives us, believers in Invisible Magic Being, license to laugh at those who will be burning in hell. Even though this makes no sense.
VIII. The doctrine of this high mystery of predestination — or these ideas which mystics thought of in order shore up or rationalize Invisible Magic Beings actions and words contained in Invisible Magic Being’s Holy Word, or Storybook — is to be handled with special prudence and care, because we need to make the imaginary seem more serious than it really is and scare people, that men, attending the will of Invisible Magic Being revealed in His Storybook, and yielding obedience thereunto, may, from the certainty of their effectual vocation, be assured of their eternal election, even though hope is not certainty. So shall this doctrine afford matter of praise, reverence, and admiration of the Imaginary and of humility, diligence, and abundant consolation to all that sincerely obey the Storybook and the Invisible Magic Being.
(1) (Source for title: Dawson Bethrick, from his blog entries: “Faith as Hope in the Imaginary,” http://bahnsenburner.blogspot.com/2008/06/faith-as-hope-in-imaginary.html and “Faith as Belief Without Understanding,” http://bahnsenburner.blogspot.com/2007/01/faith-as-belief-without-understanding.html)