I see! It makes TOTAL sense!
In the beginning the Christian god created the Earth, and all the animals, and Adam and Eve. Aware of how perfect his creation was, he made sure to make it ultra perfect by putting the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil in a nicely reachable place. To make sure Adam and Eve didn’t break the only rule the Christian god made, he took them along to see the tree, and carefully explained to them that, if they ate of it, they’d be as great as he was, oh….and they’d drop dead immediately.
As Adam and Eve had no knowledge of good and evil, they were persuaded, by a talking snake, to eat from the fruit that the Christian god had so kindly shown them how to find.
Despite being able to know all of time, the Christian god was surprised by this, and had to have a hunt in the Garden of Eden to find Adam and Eve (despite his claims that he was everywhere all at once)
Angered at Adam and Eve being tempted by the temptation he’d put in their way, the Christian god banished them from the garden, and they went out into the world, where their sons married the ‘daughters of men’, despite there not being any other people in the world at the time. Adam and Eve then lived a long time, despite being told that they’d die on the day they ate the fruit.
After a while, the Christian god, despite being apparently all knowing, realised that the world was ‘wicked’ and, despite being unable to feel regret, felt bad that he’d made the sorry mess, so he decided to wipe out all life and start again. Despite being all powerful, the Christian god decided that he would express his infinite love by drowning everyone, rather than just clicking his celestial fingers and resetting the whole shebang.
Rather than do a proper job of the reset, the Christian god decided to save one family, so told the patriarch of that family to build a huge boat and to collect 2, or 7 (the Christian god couldn’t make up his mind on that) of every animal, including all the ones that lived on the other side of the world, or needed specific environments to survive in, or would eat the others. As there was no such thing as evolution, the Christian god made sure that Noah and his family carried all the viruses that need human hosts to survive, such as gonorrhea, syphilis, AIDS, Ebola, and anything else that we still have in the modern world.
The Christian god decided that the Ark was full enough with the millions upon millions of species on Earth packed in, and that the plants could just go fuck themselves. They’d all die during the flood he had planned, but he was fairly confident that when he invented ‘believers’ later on they’d not bother to think about that….or anything, too deeply.
The flood based reset, using three times the amount of water that is present on the entire face of the Earth these days, was a roaring success, sin was defeated, and man and the Christian god lived happily ever after.
Only they didn’t. Despite knowing that his water based genocide would be completely unsuccessful, meaning that he was either not able to see all of time, or just liked being a sadistic dick, the Christian god was horrified to see that man quickly returned to the exact same behaviours as he’d indulged in before the flood. Perhaps Noah and his family had learned to sin again from the Egyptians, who hadn’t noticed the flood that killed them all, and had just continued on with their lives, making sure to keep detailed written records.
Really, returning to the exact same state very quickly showed the flood to have been a massive waste of time, but the Christian god already knew it was going to be, before he did it all, even though he didn’t expect it not to work….if you see what I mean.
So the years rolled on, the Christian god decided that, out of all the people on Earth, he’d chose a group of goat herders living in a hilly country roughly the size of Wales to be his ‘chosen’ people. Just to keep things interesting, he made sure that he appeared to various other groups around the world, each time in a different form and told them that THEY were the chosen people. After all, competition’s healthy, right? They could all fight it out to decide who loved him most.
After an Egyptian slavery, Exodus, and conquest of Canaan, none of which happened, the native Canaanites became, over time, the Israelites, and their mighty kings David and Solomon built huge empires that were the wonder of the world, despite leaving no evidence whatsoever that they’d ever existed.
The people of Israel suffered set back after set back, and were always careful to rewrite their prophetic books to take into account any unexpected turn of events. It’s still a prophecy if you write it afterwards, surely? And that way you can make sure it’s more accurate!
The prophet Daniel made sure his predictions were super accurate, by waiting several hundred years to see how things worked out, before putting his pen to paper. That was proper prophesying
Anyway, a few thousand years after the Christian god had made the world, he decided that he had to defeat sin once and for all. The best way to do this, he figured, was to make some girl pregnant, and allow some mistranslations and misunderstandings to give ‘believers’ the impression that she was a virgin, even though the original Hebrew made it clear she was a ‘maiden’ . She would then give birth to the child’s own father who was also his son (the Christian god liked that touch, it neatly mirrored the existing stories of people like Mithras, so the people would be able to see that he was a REAL god and meant business!)
With incredible planning, the Christian god made sure that his son Jesus would do nothing at all until he was thirty years old, despite the fact that he’d be reaching the age when most people in the area died, the average age of death at the time being 25. The christian God also made sure that none of the contemporary historians noticed Jesus, proof being the enemy of faith.
To finally destroy sin and death once and for all, the Christian god, incarnate as his own son, Jesus, made sure he was crucified by the Romans, despite not having committed any of the crimes that the Romans crucified people for. He also made sure that his name didn’t appear in any Roman records – can’t have the press getting hold of that kind of thing!
So, to destroy sin, the Christian god made sure that he was born as a man, and then killed. He then came back to life a few days later, somewhat reducing the whole impact of his sacrifice from ‘Holy SHIT! He did WHAT??’ to ‘that’s utterly meaningless! What a fraud!’
And so sin and death were defeated.
Only they weren’t. So the Christian god decided that he/his son had to go up to heaven, where he would wait a short while, and then return. In fact he didn’t intend to stay away for long, and told his followers that he’d be back before they died.
Another couple of thousand years passed and a group of ‘believers’ decided that the generation Jesus had referred to meant the first group of settlers in the remade nation of Israel, and got very excited in 1988. Jesus didn’t show again, making the whole ‘I’ll be back before this generation passes away’ comment a bit nonsensical.
But the good news was that sin and death were history, despite the fact that people continued to die, and Christians added more and more things to their list of ‘sins’ that they were jealous non-believers were doing without worrying that any invisible sky daddy would punch them square in the gob hole.